A mother's perspective on lows

I had an epiphany at 4:30 this morning. Okay, so when I write this, it will sound like a Deep Thoughts blip. But really, it seemed deep to me, as I woke up in the fog of low blood sugar.

Wow, I thought (epiphanies generally beginning that way), my mom used to make sure I ate enough, so I wouldn't run low (not that it always worked, but she tried). The worst thing, in her mind, was running low - not going high. To me, it was sometimes annoying, because I was probably more terrified of running high - all those scare stories about complications actually got to me. The scare stories about people never waking up, having gone too low in their sleep, also were scary, but I knew that just eating a lot wasn't the way to avoid lows (because swinging from high, to low, etc., was - is - the likely result of overeating). I thought my mom wasn't "getting it."

But, as I lay in bed this morning, too tired yet to get up but thinking, "I need to get up, I can't let myself go back to sleep, I might never wake up again," I realized - wow! - my mom was just being a mom when she was constantly feeding me. She literally feared for my life. To her (I realize now), the worst thing in the world would be not being able to wake me up one morning. Just like, when H was an infant, I crept into her room constantly, leaned down, and listened for her breathing. I really did. And now, when she accidentally steps from the end of the driveway, just into the street, my heart leaps. I just couldn't stand it if anything ever happened to her. I hover. She hates it.

So now, of course, I understand why my mother did what she did. It's not always rational, this motherly fear. It can make us do silly things - like putting helmets on our babies as they begin to walk (no, we didn't, but I could see why people came up with the idea). Or overfeeding our diabetic kids, because we just couldn't bear it if they didn't wake up. (I consider myself to be diabetic - just not "a diabetic." No offense meant to those who consider themselves to be people with diabetes.) Never mind the long term - that the kid needs to learn not to walk into the street (well, keeping her safe until she learns where the driveway ends and the street starts doesn't seem so unreasonable). Never mind that constant high blood sugars will do damage down the road.

Actually, the other reason my mom probably did what she did was the way she was taught to care for me. At the time, high-carb diets were in, including for diabetics. It was supposed to be complex carbs - whole-wheat bread, etc. But it was probably more than is good for us. Cereal with milk and fruit, plus toast with jam, and eggs, plus oj - that was a typical recommended breakfast. (Did they think I worked on a farm?) I hardly ever ate that way, but my grandfather, who had type 2, did (it didn't work very well for him; or maybe it was the bacon he ate along with it). As a teen, I did have cereal, milk, and oj, though. Then a morning snack of crackers and cheese or an apple (apples were my mother's cure-all, I always had to carry one), lunch of a sandwich, fruit, and maybe chips (low-fat chips weren't around at the time). Afternoon snack: tons of crackers and cheese or pb (my cholesterol wasn't great). Or maybe half a box of cereal. Lots of white rice with dinner, and maybe angel food cake for dessert. Yikes! I did figure out that I couldn't eat that many carbs, even of the complex variety - and the sad thing is, I figured it out before anyone else told me, all medical specialists included.

These days, I might have a little granola with my plain Greek yogurt for breakfast (plus a little milk in my must-have coffee). Definitely no oj - I'm far too insulin-resistant in the morning, even using the pump. I might have some blueberries, or even a little banana, especially if H is having some. I do actually eat a morning snack (a hold-over from pregnancy - but also, I get up a lot earlier than I used to!): either a granola bar, or the yogurt if I had to scarf the granola bar for breakfast instead. I take a big bolus with that snack.

Lunch is usually left-overs from dinner (pretty small portions), or a salad with low-fat chips. Maybe some fruit, if I'm in range. Afternoon snack (if I eat one), either another granola bar (I eat too many of these!), yogurt, nuts and raisins, or peanut butter and crackers (but not nearly as many as when I was a teenager!). Dinner is pretty low-fat. We've cut back on red meat because H just doesn't like it much - this is good for us all! I still eat ice cream at night, but it's often the low-fat variety, and I've figured out the dual-wave bolus for the real thing. I think I can eat more (and more carbs) than I otherwise would if I didn't have H to run after. But my diet is still a lot less carb-centric than when I was a teen. And that's okay, because I'm a lot less worried about running low (the pump has very much to do with that). Ah, let me correct myself: I'm a lot less worried THAT I will run low all the time, especially overnight (last night was an anomaly). I'm still worried - let's say vigilant - about catching the lows, and the effects of the lows. I can't even imagine how I'd handle that if it were H with the diabetes. I'd probably hover. Bite my nails. Pack an apple maybe.